"A son died, a daughter was born"

In the corner of the living room, toys are scattered randomly in a box. This happens in all homes with newborns. In the same corner, framed photos are displayed neatly. They show a handsome young boy, Levon. Here in this part of the home, the fates of the deceased Levon and newborn Leona converge.

“In this corner of the house everything is mixed up, as in our life. We live, as it were, between life and death,” their father, Ara Manukyan, says, pointing to his daughter in a stroller – under the photographs of her brother.

Nineteen year old Levon died during the 2020 war. His parents learned of his death on October 14 of that year. They also have a daughter, sixteen year old Tamar. But Ara says that from that day on, their lives had no meaning.

“On that day we decided that we were ready to have a baby, even though I had serious health problems. I was already 41 years old, it was late. But after that dream, I didn’t doubt for a minute that everything would work out,” Levon’s mother Nelly Ghahramanyan says.

Ara did not put much faith in the dream; after his son’s death, he didn’t believe in much at all. He says that all his life he lived according to the principle “do good - and you have good done to you”, but the worst thing that could happen to him happened.

“I don't know how we live. I don't know how you can live with this longing for your son. You wake up and fall asleep with the same thought. It does not let go for a second, does not subside. Everyone is alive, only my son is gone. Why? I've been looking for the answer to this question for more than two years and I can't find it,” says Ara.

But in the sixth month of pregnancy, Nelly's condition took a turn ⁠— pneumonia and coronavirus. Leona and Leah were born at six months old. Leah lived only 24 hours; Leona survived.

“She was born with a weight of only one kilogram, but I knew she would live. She screamed so loudly when she was born, as if to say: "It's me, I'm here!" I saw her for only a few seconds, then she was immediately transferred to the intensive care unit.

A few days later I asked to look at her at least from a distance. When I approached the incubator, my heart stopped: she was so small, as if she had no bones, I clearly saw every heartbeat under her chest. I knew that she was weak ⁠— so much so that I was allowed to hug her only after two months. But I never doubted for a second that she would live. She is a fighter, she is strong just like her brother. She had to survive so that we could live,” Nelly says.

“On the one hand, our society is very supportive. At a moment when a woman is experiencing a loss, the whole society, whether it be a village or a city, friends and neighbors try to help her out of her grief.

“But when a woman tries to get up, when she is ready to continue her life, this is when they stigmatize her. They don’t forgive her for wanting to go on.”

“Society is still dominated by traditions, and they are annoyed by women who begin again. If society could reconsider its prejudices, the examples of women who have carried on can do a lot of good for more women in that situation.

There was an initiative to support women called "Peer Counselors". These are mothers whose children died; they are members of the public organization "Forever". At one time they all also turned to psychologists for support. Working with them, psychologists realized that these women have the power to overcome their pain and support others.

At the same time, Baghdasaryan says, psychologists themselves faced another stereotype: parents refused psychological support, believing that no one would understand their pain. In order to support these people, specialists of the Recovery College trained mothers to work in the public organization "Forever".

"Peer Counselors" has become a link between mothers whose sons have died and specialists. The rule is universal ⁠— no one may decide for them how to grieve, when to stop grieving, and how they will carry on. The families must understand that their sons did not die so that they should live in mourning forever,” Baghdasaryan believes.

“Of course, the birth of a new child does not mean that we stop remembering the dead. But we need to find meaning. If this state lasts more than one or two years then we are dealing with pathological grief, which leads to a number of other problems ⁠— insomnia, exhaustion, depression.

“Women in Armenian society are in a much more vulnerable position in relation to social stereotypes. It is generally believed that a child's bond with their mother is stronger than with their father. Therefore, men who return to normal life after the loss of a child are less criticized.

“It is widely believed that a man should not turn to a psychologist and, in general, ‘should be strong’, not show his feelings, silently endure his pain. Heart attacks, headaches and alcoholism are frequent consequences for fathers who have lost children.

И рождение нового ребенка как раз противостоит всем стигмам.

“Unfortunately, there are families who decide to have a child because they are unable to cope with grief. In this case, they are not yet emotionally ready to give the newborn the love they need, but merely want to replace the other. Rejection from society further prevents them from understanding themselves.

“The emotionally unstable state of parents can affect the child’s development," Lilit Baghdasaryan says.

When Leona is with her sister Tamar she is usually calm and cheerful, but feels when her parents discuss their lost child, especially when mother starts crying. The baby gets upset and cries too, as if trying to distract her parents from sad thoughts, drawing attention to herself. At least that's what her parents think.

Nelly says that she often watches videos on her phone while putting Leona to bed. One of them is from Levon's school ⁠— there are white balloons on which classmates wrote their dream; Levon launched his own into the sky. What dream their son had his parents will never know, but they think that they fulfilled one of his wishes ⁠— Levon said that he wanted a brother or sister.